When we feel like we're inadequate or not good enough, research shows that writing about our feelings with compassion can improve wellbeing. Try writing a letter to yourself using the instructions below:
Part One: What do you feel inadequate about?
Everybody has things about themselves that they don’t like, that cause them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living a human life. Try writing about an issue you have that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (for example, physical appearance, school, work or relationship struggles…) What emotions come up for you when you think about this aspect of yourself? Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less – and then write about them.
Part Two: Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend
Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the issue you've just been writing about. This friend recognizes the limits of being human and is kind and understanding towards you. Imagine they know your entire history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your friend knows that the issue you feel badly about is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control. Reflect upon what this friend feels towards you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your imperfections.
Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend – focusing on the issue you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited acceptance and love? How would this friend convey the deep compassion they feel for your pain? What would they say about judging yourself so harshly? How might they try to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses, and that your worth doesn't come from being perfect?
And if you think this friend might suggest possible changes you could make to be happier or healthier, what type of encouragement, support, and constructive feedback would they provide?
Part Three: Feel the compassion as it soothes and comforts you
After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you like a cool breeze on a hot day. And remember that this imaginary friend is a part of you, and can be called upon whenever needed. Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.
About Kristen Neff: Kristin Neff is a researcher, author, and teacher who introduced the world to the science of self-compassion. Her work has redefined how we understand strength and self-worth. Her guidance helps ground our message in compassion, reminding us that being enough begins with how we treat ourselves.
